I must admit that I feel very accountable writing this weekly diary of my struggle to all who care to read it. However, I am remiss to report this week I fell victim to some of my demons and a lot of the encouraging work I did seemed for not.
I am being pushed at work beyond my regular boundaries. I understand why. I get it. But, I almost feel like a contagious virus and everyone wants to steer away from me, despite 7 years of great work. The economy has not turned around and a loss of a client is unforgivable. But, is this my second chance or am I being forced to the back door? I digress…
I was not supposed to have sugar in my coffee this week. I needed a hit in each cup. I am still down to 1 which to me is a miracle regardless of the madness in and around me.
I did a no show for my appointment. I am billed in full for this. Enough said.
When I call to reschedule I am not judged and very little is needed to be said. I appreciate this.
By Thursday, I have had 2 chocolate bars in full. My guilt had me sneak pieces here and there. I know this has caused me to be short-tempered. Thursday at noon – I speak to Cat via Skype and breakdown.
We all know when we need to do things and if we take a second to listen to our body (not brain) it gives us strong indicators of this. I woke up with fever and 3 blemishes not seen since my puberty days.
Cat tells me – I know what to do. She provides me a quick recipe for a detox lunch and smoothie that I can do in my blender. She tells me to walk to my place (5 blocks from the studio) and take a 40 minute self-imposed timeout. I have a very important meeting at 4:00pm. My work is awesome, but mentally I am way off my game.
She suggests that I put all my energy into that meeting performance and then call it a day and avoid social activities with a few co-workers and get rest and a good balanced meal.
I get home after pulling my s*it together for the remainder of the afternoon. I cry for the first time in 3 years – for 2 hours straight. I fall asleep in my work clothes. I don’t even have dinner (but must mention I did buy awesome things to make).
I wake to dawn and feel 5 pounds lighter and mentally alert. I was supposed to start my brisk walk around my neighbourhood on Saturday, but wash my face and put on what I consider workout gear and head out since it is 5:30am.
I walk like I am being chased for 20 minutes. I climb back up the stairs to my place. I stare in the mirror. Yeah, I think this is a mid-30’s single girl life crisis.
I pull out one of the silly cards Cat had me make.
It reads, “What are you going to do about it?” I laugh and tell it to f*** off.
My assistant is watching me clean up my desk.
“Are you ok?” she asks.
I stare at her and then realize she thinks I was fired.
“Yeah, awesome. I am redecorating.” I say sarcastically.
As we leave for a shoot, I see my Boss at the elevator. She happens to be looking in my direction. I decide it is now or never.
“Hey… We are just headed out. Have a good weekend.”
And, I take the stairs – something I never do. Cat says, don’t look back if you make contact – or you are fishing for your own needs.
I actually feel damn good.